Turning five...

Today my baby turned five.  I am stunned that she is already five years old, and I find myself fighting harder and harder to keep her my "baby," as she struggles to assert her independence.  Needless to say, this makes for some interesting times, as well as some frustrating ones, but I can honestly say that I am proud of the person she is becoming.

Her last weekend as a four-year old was hectic.  She has been taking figure skating lessons for over a year now and participated in her first-ever ice shows - three to be exact.  The weekend was a whirlwind of costuming, make-up, hair, and breathless anticipation of the show, and RP LOVED it.  She was upset when it was over on Friday, stating that she wanted to go back and do it again - right now!  Luckily, she had two more opportunities on Saturday, which followed her ballet class in the morning, so needless to say she was one sleepy kiddo by Saturday night.

RP proclaimed Sunday to be "the best day EVER!"  We woke up and headed over to Dunkin' Donuts for breakfast, followed by running a few last-minute errands.  Once we got home we baked the brownies RP wanted to bring to her pre-school class for her birthday, and then I received the honor of frosting them and adding the candy sprinkles (because really, brownies just DON'T have enough sugar in them unless you funfetti-up the frosting - or so I've been told!).  We had the first really nice day of spring, so RP went outside to play and I soon followed, only to find myself in a whirlwind soccer game, followed by a lame attempt to fly a miniature kite (damn you Mary Poppins!!!), followed by a brief lesson in the fine-art of Frisbee tossing, and culminating in a bug hunt, complete with a march through the back yard making up a hunt theme song as we went.  I hate bugs but found myself scooping up spiders, lady bugs, and anything else that stood still for 0.009 seconds and RP and I took turns looking at them through the bug catcher the Easter Bunny was kind enough to bring (silly rabbit!).  Dinner came and went, and RP was STILL trying to perfect her hunt theme song, which took on a rock-style flair complete with electric guitar playing that rivaled mega rock stars of the 80's, and I laughed until my stomach actually hurt.  When she finally went to bed, RP declared the day the BEST EVER, before rolling over and falling asleep before I even turned off her light.

The birthday girl was a bundle of excitement today, and she stated the day with a few presents and a donut with a "5" candle in it.  I was impressed that I remembered to bring her brownies when we left for pre-school, and while she was in school I ran a ton of errands to get ready for her parties, which are being held on Saturday.  After I picked her up from school we went to Nana and Papa's so we could go out to dinner, and RP was thrilled when the restaurant staff brought her ice cream AND sang "Happy Birthday" to her (side note:  I really need to review how that whole process works, as she joins in singing the song every time she hears it, even when she is the one being sung to!).  Dinner was followed by an "awesome" Batman cake from Nana and Papa and lots of cool presents, including a soccer set, Gotham City's jail, Barbie Lego's, and a brand new set of (Power) wheels!

Tonight while I was putting her to bed, RP declared today "the best day EVER!"  I reminded her that she said that yesterday, and she simply smiled at me and said, "Yes, Mommy - yesterday was the best day ever as a four-year old.  TODAY was the best day ever as a FIVE-year old."  While this made me chuckle, what happened next brought tears to my eyes.  She folded her hands and announced that she had a special prayer to make tonight instead of her usual.  She closed her eyes and thanked god for her birthday, her presents, her family, her presents, her cake, her presents, and her home.  Then she proceeded to say, "... and thank you for my family who I love very much and who loves me.  You gave me such a special family God and I love them all, and I love you for giving them to me.  I love my home, my family, and you for everything you give me, so thank you God very much."

With tears in my eyes I kissed the top of her head, and my heart whispered the same prayer she just said aloud.  Thank you God for everything - for I am truly blessed. 

Happy birthday my little Russian Princess - Happy Birthday....

Gotcha Day - three years later...

I can hardly believe that today RP and I celebrated our three-year anniversary of our Gotcha Day!  It truly has been a whirlwind adventure, filled with lots of laughter, tears, pain, and celebration.  One thing that it has not been filled with?  Regret.  Although the road was long, bumpy, and sometimes seemed insurmountable, I have never looked back at my decision to adopt, or the process itself, with regret.  This process made me stronger as an individual, tested my very beliefs and desires, and made me the person I am today. 

RP has turned into an amazing little girl.  I stared at our Gotcha Day picture today - the one taken outside of Baby Home #1 in Russia, and can clearly see a little girl who is lost, confused, and scared to death.  Today she is an outgoing little girl who makes friends wherever she goes and wears Mommy out with her boundless energy.  She is sweet and sensitive with a splash of daredevil in her, and she keeps me on my toes!  This last year has brought a new school for RP, a new job for Mommy, and soon a new home for us as we move into a new chapter of our lives.

We celebrated our 3 year anniversary with Nana and Papa tonight with a huge home cooked meal, something that I enjoy doing but don't do nearly often enough, and Nana and Papa brought us a beautiful cake that said, "3 years ago today..."  Three years ago today I took RP for her first car ride, her first airplane ride, her first night in a hotel, her first bath in a huge bathtub, and most importantly, her first night with her FAMILY.  Three years ago today I slept very little as I kept getting up to check on her in her crib, touch her just to make sure I wasn't dreaming, and thanking God for the blessing I was given that day.

I was scared to death that first day, and especially that first night.  Three years later that fear has subsided as I realize that parenting is something that you learn as you go, and no one can tell you the "right" way to do things, but that fear never goes away.  I still slip into RP's room every night (sometimes several times a night), just to listen to her breathing peacefully as she sleeps, fix her blankets, and kiss that sweet cheek just one more time.  I whisper "I love you" into her ear every night before I go to bed, as well as every chance I get during the day.

These last three years have flown by, and I continue to beg for time to slow down so I can enjoy these days with RP.  Despite my repeated requests for her to do so, she won't remain my baby forever.  In only a few short weeks she will turn 5, and I long to have my baby back and to get an opportunity to relieve these past three years again, but since that isn't going to happen I am going to live for the moment and enjoy watching her continue to grow into an amazing, beautiful, and dynamic little girl.

I love you my little Russian Princess - with all my heart, and all I have to give.  You make me proud to be called your Mommy...

Fall fun stuff!

I find that I am continuing to start my blog posts with the "I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted" statement, and this one is no exception.  I can blame being a busy, single mom with a full-time job and a pre-schooler with a more than full-time calendar, but the simple truth is that while yes that is true, I simply choose to use what time I have available either playing with her, or trying to find a moment or two to actually relax (no easy feat!).  The fall is whisking by us, and I can hardly believe they are calling for snow showers tonight, let alone the fact that Thanksgiving is only a week and a half away!

The fall was eventful, and more of the same is on tap for the remainder of the year.  Our yearly pumpkin patch visit with close friends was fantastic, although it was weird to go to the pumpkin patch when it was almost 80 degrees outside (can you say "unseasonably warm" that day???), and we actually visited a different pumpkin patch about a month later with different friends as well.  It seemed as if every weekend was booked with some event or activity, and this was in addition to RP's five days a week in Pre-K, ice skating, gymnastics, and ballet lessons!  She tires me out, and I am thankful for an uber-supportive family who assists me with RPs comings and goings - I don't know what I would do without them!

Two big decisions have also manifested themselves during this time frame.  First, our housing situation.  Being laid off for over 8 months, then taking a job which cut my salary almost in half, has pushed me to the point that I am now working on trying to secure approval for a short sale of my home.  I should have done this a LONG time ago, but stubborn pride prevented me from taking this course of action, and I am now left with no other real choice.  Many tears have been shed over this decision, but I know in the end it is the best decision for myself and my daughter, and I am optimistic that this signals a new beginning for us.  Now, if I could just get the bank to stop dragging their feet and actually make a decision...

Second, my employment situation.  My current job definitely has the perk of being a "work from home" role which allows me some pretty great flexibility.  The downside?  I spent about 2-4 hours a day in the car commuting to my job as I need to be in my centers each and every day.  I have been looking and trying to find something new over the last few months, and this search continues stronger than ever as we head into the winter months - I REALLY don't want to have a repeat of last year when it took me 5.5 hours to get home in a snowstorm!  I know in finding something new I most likely will be giving up a lot of the flexibility and autonomy that I have in my current role, but I need to find something more stable (and hopefully providing more income!), and I am willing to accept that trade-off for the RIGHT role.

Heading into Thanksgiving, I can't help but reflect on what I am most thankful for, and at the risk of sounding redundant, here is just a sampling:

- I am thankful for my family.  They have been there for me, comforted me, and kicked me in the a$$ when the need arose.  Without them I would be lost, and without them I would not be the person I am today.

- I am thankful for my daughter.  She makes me laugh, she drives me crazy, and she has shown me that there truly is no limit to the amount of love you can give to another human being, nor is there a limit to the amount of love you can receive.  She teaches me something new every day, and she makes me proud to be her mama!

- I am thankful for my friends.  I don't tell them often enough, and I know I don't show it, but my friends have shown me that you don't need to be family to show love.  Like my family they have shown me support, compassion, and kicked me in the a$$ when I needed it (are you sensing a theme here???) and I love them all to death.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea.  Headed into the holidays I am going to try to post more and get back to keeping this blog up-to-date, as I know one day I'm going to kick myself for not keeping better records of RPs life before she is all grown up!

Early fall...

It doesn't seem possible that fall is already up on us - where did summer go?  As usual, I have been woefully remiss in keeping this blog up-to-date, and I can't believe I haven't updated this since June.  Yes, I think that officially makes me a slacker!

RP continues to amaze me as she is getting SO big now.  Her chunky baby face has now melted into a cute little pre-schooler face, and while she is still tiny for her age, I sometimes can't help but stare when I see her because a true little girl has replaced my toddler. 

Summer was a busy, but fantastic, time.  We spent as much time as possible outside swimming, playing, and bike riding, and had a lot of great outings with family and friends!  RP completed her 3-year pre-school year at LA and moved over to a P-8 school for Pre-K.  Crazily enough, she is going to the same school that I graduated from, which makes me feel both old AND proud at the same time!  She LOVES Pre-K and comes home every day chattering incessantly about the new things she has learned.  I think the best thing I did for her was enroll her in school every day, unlike last year when she attended pre-school only two days a week.

Fall has already been chock-full of fun stuff to do, with more on the way.  RP and I took Nana up to the huge outlet mall to do back-to-school shopping, and my baby got her ears pierced the same day!  She was the one who wanted them done, and she did not shed a single tear during either piercing!  She also started ballet classes at a dance academy, which, when coupled with her gymnastics and ice skating lessons, makes her ONE busy busy girl!   We were also able to attend three NASCAR races and one MLB game this year, and have our annual pumpkin farm visit planned for the end of the month with good friends.  Then there are at least two more birthday parties to celebrate before the holidays are upon us, and they certainly are approaching fast!

Here's a flashback to our summer fun:

Splashpad fun in the Quad Cities

 

NASCAR cutie!

 

Sunflowers in bloom!

 

Jumpie fun with the cousins!

 

Pre-K Orientation Day!

 

First Day of School!

Updates at last....

I have clearly been lacking in the update department, as I have gone over a month now without posting a thing!  It seems that there is either nothing new to post (which is not the case) or that there is never time to post it (also, not the case - I've just gotten lazy).

I still can't  get over the fact that my baby turned four almost two months ago.  I'm not sure where the time has gone, but I sure wish it would slow down!  She is getting bigger and bigger every day, and I am in constant amazement of the things she says and does.  The alphabet and counting are coming along well for her, and she certainly has a flair for the drama as evidenced by her play habits as well as her endless requests for me to take video of her just being silly.  She continues to love her figure skating class, although now that she has moved up beyond the basic class she certainly has her work cut out for her, as it's no longer about staying UP on the skates, but actually learning to glide.  I think she could do it if she just put her mind to it, but my little peanut apparently has quite the competative streak in her and for her its more about being the first to get somewhere on the ice, not how she managed to do it.  She also continues to enjoy her gymnastics class, and I was kind of excited to have skating and gymnastics flipped for the summer so I can see how far she has come in the last year.  She does fantastic on the balance beam, can almost do a complete cartwheel by herself, and is fearless about spinning on the bars and jumping into the foam pit.  This past weekend she took a nasty tumble off an inclinded mat, however, and landed on the side of her neck and I almost had a heart attack!  Luckily she wasn't really hurt and she popped right up and tried it again, but it took the rest of the class period for my heart rate to return to normal...

Speech is still the area RP has the longest road to climb in.  While I can understand most of what she is saying, she still drops her "s's" in the beginning of words and "l's" in the middle of words, so I know speech therapy is in our future.  I thought the pediatrician was going to call in a referral to have her tested again, but since it's been almost 8 weeks and I haven't heard anything, clearly I am going to have to take control of this issue and get her started.  Her pre-school teacher actually doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, but she is going to start reading soon and I want to be sure we are on a good path before she hits kindergarten and has to read out loud for the class - kids can be cruel enough without giving them something to be cruel about.

I guess the other big update is that RP and I have had two heart to heart conversations about her being adopted.  She has always known she is from Russia, but she now understands that she has a birth mommy there and didn't come from my tummy (although, she is still struggling with that one too, since she just keeps telling me that babies can't possibly come from the tummies of mommies unless the mommies ate them, because that is the only way ANYTHING gets in our tummies!) but rather was born in my heart.  These conversations have been difficult for both of us - her in understanding what I am talking about, and for me in reliving what were some very painful times before the joy of having her in my life finally came true.  She has seen me cry, and asked me about those tears, and I hope she truly understands that it was a labor of love and that those tears truly ARE the happy kind - the kind that fall when your heart is so full of love that it doesn't know what else to do.  I know these are only the first of what are MANY discussions to come, and I'm just hoping I don't screw them up too badly!!!

Four years old already?

So, this past weekend we celebrated RP's fourth birthday. I can hardly believe my baby is already four years old! Every day I am noticing that she is less and less my little baby, and more and more a true "little girl." Her chubby cheeks and hands are giving way to a heart-shaped face and skinny little hands and legs. She is talking up a storm, and asking "Why?" about a million times a day, and she definitely has developed her own little personality - outgoing all the time, borderline sassy some of the time, and totally lovable!

The birthday weekend started Friday at 6:30 a.m. when a little finger poked me and said, "Mommy, I need to get up now. I'm too 'cited to s'eep!" RP knew her birthday party was scheduled for school that day, and lucky for me there was no dawdling in getting ready to go - she was up and at 'em, and zipped through our morning routine so she could jet over to school for the day!

While she was partying it up at school, I was running around like a crazy person getting last minute food, decorations, and beverages for the party, then had to head back to school for a 4:30 parent-teacher conference (RP is doing wonderfully and is among the top in her class - go figure!). After school I took RP for Mommy-'n-me pedicures where she had her toes painted a delightful shade of blue, and alternated between being excited to be there, and moaning that Mommy's toes were taking too long!

Saturday was a frenzy of activity in getting the puppies boarded, finishing cleaning, decorating, and food preparation, and before I knew it the first guests were at the door. Parties are always bittersweet for me because I love having everyone over, but there is so much to do that I always feel like I never truly get to talk to anyone, and I felt this way on Saturday. The kids all seemed to have a good time, judging by the amount of noise and toys on the floor, and the fact that RP crashed so hard after the party that I undressed her for bed and brushed out her hair and she never so much as fluttered an eyelash, so I hope the adults felt the same way (good time, not passing out cold!).

Sunday was another bright and early day as we headed to RP's ballet class, then left for RP's final "secret surprise" which was an overnight trip to Key Lime Cove (in keeping with our beach-themed birthday). We picked up Nana and Papa and headed north for almost 24 hours of fun at the waterpark, and we were not disappointed! RP is a little water baby and had a blast splashing around the pools and braved waterslides that made bigger kids cry! Even Mommy got in on the fun - I have never been so wet or so bruised in my life but I have to admit, we had fun!

Today was RP's first day in several that there hasn't been a celebration in her honor, and she took it in stride. We headed off to gymnastics class where I was impressed as to how much she has learned since the last time I saw her class, then had lunch out, and ended up at RP's four-year physical where she had to have one shot, which left her sore, grumpy, and terrified of doctors (yet again!). After the doctor's office we went for ice cream, which redeemed her faith in humanity (and especially Mommy), and all was right with the world again.

I can't believe my baby is four, and that in less than a year I will be planning her fifth birthday party! How can we slow down time - it's going by MUCH too fast for my liking!

RP celebrates turning two!

RP celebrates turning three!

RP celebrates turning four!

A Day at the Aquarium

Since Uncle C and her cousins were on Spring Break this week, RP was invited (along with Nana and Papa) to head into the city to visit the aquarium today. I should mention I was invited as well, but couldn't take the day off as I'm taking a few off already in a couple of weeks for RP's birthday, and it was tough to not be able to experience this with RP, as we have never been to the aquarium before (well, I have, but she had not).

It was also tough for me to truly let go and let RP head into a big, metropolitan city without me. It's not that I don't trust Nana and Papa, it's just one of those things. RP was truly excited about her upcoming adventure "to see the fishies," so much so that I worried about her wandering away or getting snatched away while in among the crowds. I gave Nana and Papa the stroller and her monkey backpack and knew that she would be alright, and most of all, that she would have a BALL.

I wasn't let down. The grin on her face when she saw me tonight and her animated descriptions of what she saw and did today was priceless, as was her death-grip on her new stuffed shark. She loved the penguins, the dolphins, and the whale and apparently was enthralled with the "Happy Feet 3D" presentation they had playing in one of the theaters. Bedtime tonight was a nightmare due to her incessant chattering of how her day went, and filling in the details as she recalled them - and it was so much fun for me to hear her re-live an experience she so clearly enjoyed, and while I still do hate having to miss out, I know that this won't be the last time it happens, and its good to know that she is so happy to share those details with me.

Now if only I could get her to provide this same level of detail when I ask how school is, I'd be set. As it is, the response is usually, "I don't know," which then requires me to almost yank teeth to get any sort of answer out of her...

Catching up the last month

I like to believe I was WAY better at keeping this blog up to date when I wasn't working, but I don't think that would be quite accurate to say, but I feel like I am falling farther and farther behind. I just checked back and realized that my last post was on February 24 - our two-year gotcha day. WOW! Seems like a lifetime ago! I can't believe how quickly March has gone by, and that in just a few short days we'll already be into April!

RP continues to keep me hoppin' (no almost-Easter time pun intended!). She started ice skating lessons a few weeks ago and absolutely LOVES them! I have to say I'm a pretty proud Mommy since she was able to get up, stand, and walk around on the skates from the very first moment I put them on her feet, and she is one of only a couple kids in her class that can actually walk/march/glide on the ice in them. In addition to her absolutely loving this class, I have found this to be an effective discipline tool as well, as she would do almost anything to ensure that she can go to class on Saturday, including being an absolute angel at pre-school every single day! Her pre-school teacher actually pointed out that while RP is usually pretty good at school (well, except for the day she peed all over the floor, which is another story for another day!) that her recent behavior has been absolutely remarkable, and she laughed out loud when I told her simply that it was because I remind RP every morning that if she cannot behave in pre-school, she cannot ice skate on the weekends...

In a few short weeks RP will be turning four, and every time I look at her I marvel at just how far she has come. She is losing her chubby baby face and is looking more like a "little girl" than a toddler every day. Her vocabulary continues to increase and amaze me, and I really need to watch what I'm saying in front of her, since she especially likes to repeat the "naughty" words she hears me say (recently, "pissed" is her favorite one - go figure!). I know she is going to need speech therapy and plan on asking the doctor for the testing referral at her four-year check-up next month, but she is happy, healthy, and oh-so active, and I couldn't ask for more. Okay, I lie - sometimes, just sometimes, a few minutes of quiet would be nice - over the weekend I actually told her that she needed to stop with the questions for five minutes because Mommy's ears were bleeding, to which she responded "Why?" and proceeded to look inside my ears and say, "These aren't bleeding Mommy. Why did you think they were bleeding? Where would the bleeding come from?" You get the idea...

Our second "Gotcha Day!"

I can hardly believe it has been two years since I packed my suitcase for the last time in St. Petersburg and headed to Baby Home #1, also for the last time. Two years ago today I walked through the doors of that Baby Home with my arms full of clothes for RP, and less than 5 minutes later a scared, squirming little girl was thrust in my arms, and we were on our way to the airport where we would catch a flight to Moscow.

Where has the time gone? I honestly didn't know what to expect when I walked through those doors, proudly carrying my little girl on that cold February day. Although the courts had deemed it so 10 days earlier, I was officially a "Mommy" on that day... and scared to death. What did I know about raising a child? Was this the right thing to do for her? For me? How would she handle the flight to Moscow, and a mere three days later, to the United States?

RP did pretty well on the flight - well, the first half of it anyway. Then she screamed - and boy did she have lungs! I held on tightly, trying everything I could to calm her down and comfort her, but nothing worked. She hated being confined to anything - a seat, a room, anything (as we would soon learn at the hotel) - and was only content when she was walking around. She LOVED to walk, and actually still does, and walking the halls of the hotel was the only way to keep her from crying.

I remember landing in Moscow and calling the driver to come and pick us up. The orphanage had told me that RP had been running a fever the night before and seemed to have a "tummy ailment" so they gave me a blanket and a glass bottle with boiled water in it for her in case he tummy started to hurt again, and these two items have become treasured keepsakes for me, as they are the only two items we have of hers from her life in the orphanage. Turns out I would need BOTH of these items as RP became overheated on our very long trek to the hotel from the airport and proceeded to puke all over the driver's brand new, blinged-out Lincoln Navigator! Yes, this also means she puked all over herself and all over me, so thank goodness for Tide travel which allowed me to wash everything in the tub at the hotel once we finally arrived!

RP's big day ended with a bath, during which she sat in the tub, staring at me with big, blank eyes, as if wondering what else was possibly going to happen to her. It was clear she was scared out of her mind, and she almost refused to blink as she stared at everything going on around her. She went rigid during hugs and kisses, and seemed almost relieved to be placed in her crib for the night, sucking her thumb and rubbing the sheets between her fingers. It was only then that I cried - cried, and prayed to God for the little girl in the crib who was terrified, and didn't realize all the love that was around her.

Fast forward to today. RP is a smart, happy, and healthy little girl. She gives and receives affection willingly and knows that she is the center of the universe to a family who loves and adores her. She is active, going to preschool two days a week, and taking gymnastics, ballet, and as of tomorrow, ice skating lessons, and she makes friends easily. These are the days I dreamed of when I was going through the process of adopting her, and if I had to do it all over again I would in a heartbeat, as these have been the best two years of my life!

Happy Gotcha Day my little Russian Princess!

Offensive

I'll be the first to admit that I like a good joke now and then, and that there are times when I think that this world has gotten crazy-sensitive over the need to be "politically correct" all the time. Perhaps that is why I was so caught off-guard with my personal response to this cartoon that an acquaintance posted on Facebook:

Harmless, right? I mean, c'mon, what is offensive about cute little babies? I will tell you what - the "punch line" to this little "joke." Being adopted isn't a punch line. It isn't funny. It shouldn't be used as a derogatory term, an attempt to cut someone down or make fun of them. In short, it isn't funny.

As the parent of an adopted child I can tell you first hand that adoption is the most LOVING thing a parent can do for their child. No, I don't know RP's birth mother, and most likely never will. I do, however, know that she carried her baby full term, and took good care of her while she was in-vitro as RP was born completely healthy. She made the decision to place her daughter for adoption in order to ensure that her child received a life that she simply couldn't give her. She very easily could have had an abortion, or kept her into god knows what kind of life... but she didn't. I can only imagine the pain she went through when having to say good-bye to the child she cared for and nurtured within her own body, knowing full-well that she most likely would never see her again.

I know this because it has to be very similar to the pain I went through when trying to conceive a biological child. I knew in my heart of hearts that my family would be made not through giving birth to a child from my womb, but by opening my heart to adoption. I just knew - long before I even thought about the fertility treatments. Yet I went through them - five times. Each time was more difficult than the previous - stronger drugs, more labs, greater pressure for the process to finally work, and deeper devastation when it didn't. I think I cried enough tears to fill almost ALL of the Great Lakes, and then some. Each time the process failed, I felt that I died a little with those embryos - after all, they were my DNA, they were my "flesh and blood." It still hurts today - just as deeply as it did back then. The problem is, very few people will "let" you grieve for that loss. If you haven't experienced it, you wouldn't understand it. Oh, everyone meant well - cheery "you can try again next month" greetings and promises of prayers always accompanied the loss, and I truly appreciated them all. It just wasn't meant to be.

Deciding to adopt was difficult - not because I didn't want to be a mom, but because it meant putting my heart on the line again and risking more loss. I knew if I went through the process I would adopt internationally, and again, my inner heart knew for years that my child was waiting for me in Russia. I knew the risks of adopting a child from Russia - fetal alcohol syndrome, reactive attachment disorder, and scads of other potential problems and complications - and making this decision would open my heart back up to loss and disappointment, and I honestly wasn't sure that my barely mended heart could take more heartache.

I began the process scared, overwhelmed, and extremely guarded. I dragged my feet on the Home Study initially because I needed to rethink my decision. There were probably a thousand times during the process that I almost backed out, afraid that I couldn't go through with it. Yet I soldiered on, and the day I received RP's picture and information was the first time I truly let my heart open up to this process. I looked into her big, scared brown eyes and KNEW she was my daughter. I just knew. I also knew that even though I had never met her I would give my life for her a hundred times over and move mountains to bring her home and make her my family.

During the process some days seemed like an eternity, and others flew by before I could even blink. I don't remember much about the six months that went by while I was waiting to meet RP, waiting for my court date, then waiting to bring her home. One would think that with all that waiting I would remember LOTS of it - but I don't. I could only hold on for one more day, knowing that I was one day closer to having my daughter in my life forever. That thought kept me moving forward day after day after day, until it finally became a reality. I can't remember my life before RP, nor can I fathom life without her.

RP knows she is adopted. She knows she is from Russia. She knows she was born from her birth mama's tummy, and that she came home with Mommy and Nana on a big airplane from Russia, crying the whole time. She will never get to share a scrapbook of her ultrasound picture, newborn pictures in the hospital with proud family and friends vying for the chance to hold her, or remember blowing out the birthday candles on her first birthday. I have one very grainy picture of her as an infant, age unknown, that I pulled off the Russian database, four pictures of her at 16-months old, and then the pictures from our trips to the orphanage to see her, and finally bring her home. I dread the first school project that requires she share a family tree or bring in baby pictures because we don't have them - and I know kids can be cruel. I want her to know and understand how much she was loved and is loved by BOTH her mamas, and I want her to be proud of her heritage. I want her to be proud of her adoption and be able to speak freely to it.

Why is it that people can proudly say, "I adopted my pet from an animal shelter" or "Our company adopted this stretch of highway to keep clean in our community" but yet find it funny to use the adoption of a person as the punchline of a joke? I know I'm being too sensitive - I do. Yet my heart aches. I don't know why this touched a nerve, but it did, as evidenced by the tears that continue to stream down my face just thinking about it. I'm proud to say I adopted my little girl, and one day I hope she can say she is proud too - proud of her Russian mama who gave her the opportunity for a new life in a new family, and proud of her American mama who moved mountains to make her dream a reality, and while she isn't the perfect mama, she is perfectly happy being RP's mama.

(Belated) Happy New Year!

As I am writing this I can hardly believe that the holidays have come and gone. As we complete the first full week of January I still have the tree up, gifts to put away, and thank you cards to write, and I am falling farther and farther behind. Today I am making a valiant effort to get the ball rolling, and spent over an hour cleaning and reorganizing RP's room in order to accommodate all the new "stuff" she received for Christmas! I am trying to get rid of some of her baby toys in this process as well, but she is having a harder time letting go of them than I am (go figure!).

Christmas with the family was a fantastic four-day adventure of eating, opening presents, and spending quality time with family and friends. RP was apparently a VERY good girl this year, and the "fruits of her labor" are ALL over this house - inside and out! A new bike, outside playhouse, and roller skates were among her many outside toy gifts, and she received dolls, clothes, books, games, and lots of other nice stuff for inside. Santa was unable to accommodate her request for Rafiki and the hyenas from "The Lion King," but made up for it by bringing her a Batman doll, superhero cape, and a construction workbench complete with battery-operated tools! Yes, my "princess" is very much a little tomboy and alternates from being a princess to a superhero to a rock star on any given day!

I'm still not sure where all RP's "loot" is going to go, but I need to get this house back in order FAST because the social worker is coming on the 17th for our two-year post placement visit. WOW. Where has time gone? Has it really already been almost two years, and has it only been two years that RP has been in my life? While I remember the process of the adoption in almost painstaking detail (the good and the bad!) I can hardly remember a time when RP wasn't THE major part of my life.

I hope everyone reading this had an enjoyable holiday and is geared up for an exciting 2012 - I know I am!!!

2011: A Year In Retrospect

I can hardly believe that Christmas has come and gone, and that 4 days from now we will be in 2012. Where has the time gone? As I was reflecting on this during my drive home tonight (with a 90 minute commute I have a LOT of time to reflect!) I couldn't help but remember the following about this year:

1.) RP hit some MAJOR milestones. She turned three in April, started pre-school (in earnest) in June, began taking gymnastics and ballet lessons, participated n her first pageant, and last (but certainly not least!), was FINALLY potty trained! Her speech has improved dramatically and she now knows her ABCs, can count, and is beginning to learn to read and write. What happened to my baby???

2.) Our mega-family vacation to Disney World! Despite crappy weather and large crowds, the kids had a blast, and I'll admit I did too. I'm not sure when, if ever, we will ALL be able to take a vacation like this again, and it was enjoyable to share it with RP, my parents, my brother and sister-in-law, and my niece and nephews! I was worried about taking RP on a plane ride after our experience flying back from Moscow, but it couldn't have gone smoother - we literally sat down in our seats, she snuggled in and promptly fell asleep until we reached our destination - both there AND back. Now WHY didn't that happen on those international flights?!?!?!

3.) RP's first road trip. We drove to northern Wisconsin for a few days to get away, and so RP could finally meet her extended family of cousins, aunts, and uncles. She was a trooper on the 6-hour car ride, crying only the last 20 minutes or so because she was ready to be done in the car, and we both had a fantastic time visiting family and enjoying the new scenery.

4.) Multiple career changes. I started the year as the Customer Service Manager for an online marketing company, and was promptly laid off as of January 4 (nice of them to allow me to "celebrate" my four-year anniversary with the comapny on January 3rd). Despite some rough goings ever since I returned from my adoption leave for RP, I was still shocked. I was miserable in that job, but it paid the bills, and suddenly I was faced with having to make do on unemployment while I looked for a job. That task was daunting, and I cannot even begin to count the number of resumes I sent out, but I finally went back to work in September more than eight months as a stay-at-home mom. My new official title is Sales Training Specialist, and I was thrilled to be back in training - I just wish my job were actually a little more training and a little less babysitting the sales reps. I am not, however, complaining - everyone I work with is really nice and I'm grateful to be back to work, despite taking a HUGE paycut in accepting this position (but yes, it's better than "living on the system!").

5.) I'm an aunt again! Baby AS joined older siblings AC, EG, AB, and IJ in late October, and it's exciting to have a tiny munchkin in the family again. Does it make me want another child? Hmmm.... yes and no. I love RP to pieces and would do every bit of the process again for her, but I am not financially able to do a Russian adoption again, and I would worry that what little time I feel like I am able to spend with RP would have to be split between two, and I'm not sure that would be fair to either of them. If the opportunity presented itself, I wouldn't turn it away, but RP most likely will be an only child - good thing she has GOBS of cousins to play with!

6.) I turned the big 4-0. Yes, it's still hard to write, let alone talk about. How did I get so damned old? Some days I feel every bit of 40 (and then some) and others I can hardly believe it. 40 IS the new 30... right?

7.) Another furbaby enters the menagerie. RP convinced me that she just HAD to get a kitten after Nana got her new kitten late this summer, so we adopted Chloe, a beautiful and sweet calico kitty, in early September. This new addition now brings our household to one Mommy, one RP, one betta fish (Nemo), two dogs, and two cats! It's crazy around here, and I often tell people that if we try to add one more animal to this place I will need a petting zoo license to do so, but it works for us. And no, there will be NO more animals any time soon...

When put to paper, 2011 was a pretty good year. Yes, there were certainly ups and downs, but all in all RP and I were very blessed this year. I hope 2012 is good as well, not just for us, but for all our family and friends, who are the biggest blessings we have in this life. Happy New Year one and all!

The holidays are upon us???

I can hardly believe that Halloween has been here and gone, let alone Thanksgiving. This year, like so many others, I have so much to be thankful for, and Thanksgiving is a great time to reflect on all of our many blessings. Thanksgiving also holds a special place in my heart because two years ago my Mom and I left the Saturday after Thanksgiving to go to Russia and meet RP for the first time. Naturally, every Thanksgiving I remember this, and am oh-so thankful that everything worked out and I am officially her Mommy (yes, even on the days that she has tested my patience to the limits!).

I have been blessed not only with a wonderful daughter, but an amazing family and phenomenal friends. This year truly has been a test, and one of considerable change. After being unexpectedly laid off for eight and a half months, I moved into a new job, one which for the most part I enjoy, although the commute is already wearing on me. To take the job, I had to take a considerable pay cut, and find myself re-evaluating everything from where I live, to the car I drive, to my future career plans. Adding to the challenge of the year, both my Mom and my best friend have experienced health challenges, and I feel helpless standing by and watching as the two women closest to me in this life show courage and strength as they fight to regain their health, and (at the risk of sounding dramatic), their lives.

Yes, there have been the positives as well. RP continues to be the light of my life, and is thriving at home and at school. Yes, she can be a handful at times, but I wouldn't have her any other way. I am an aunt again to a niece, so my parents now are grandparents to three boys and three girls, and I can't wait to hold Baby A and get in some serious auntie-baby snuggles! I would also be woefully remiss in identifying the positives if I didn't add in the latest addition to my menagerie - RP's kitten "Baby Chloe" whom she adores, and who keeps the puppies and Cassie on their toes (literally!). Finally, the love and support I received the entire year from family and friends was truly overwhelming, and really helped to keep me focused and moving forward, despite many days of just wanting to hide under the covers and never come out!

As the year draws to a close and we get ready to celebrate Christmas, I hope everyone takes time to reflect on the year - the good and the bad - and takes time to celebrate with those dearest to you. I certainly can never truly put into words how thankful I am for my family and friends, and can never pay back everything they have given me, but this holiday season I am committed to letting each and every one of them know how special they are to me, and how much they mean to both RP and I. Isn't that what the holidays are all about???

Officially a pageant family???

Okay, not really. Well, maybe so. Kinda. Sorta. Hmmm...



Let me back up. RP participated in her first "pageant" on Saturday and seemed to LOVE it. I wasn't too sure about leaving the decision to do this up to a three-year old, but what the heck - it was a natural pageant at a local mall, not too expensive, and outside of the entry fees our investment was the $6.00 hair clips I found to match her Easter dress. Why not?



We showed up at the mall 10 minutes before it opened because the registration rules stated that we had to register an hour before the even started, and it was scheduled to start at 11 a.m. - one hour after the mall opened. I was third in line for registration and somewhat surprised that it wasn't more chaotic. Clearly in this neck of the woods people aren't clamouring to parade their children around on stage at 11:00 on a Saturday morning. After registration I had an hour to kill with an active three-year old who was dressed up, hair done, and looking to do more than stand around and preserve this look until AFTER the judging had taken place.


I try to think of myself as a good mom, and I had reservations about doing this from the start. RP gets compliments on her looks all the time, and I have really been working hard to let her know that while it is great to be beautiful on the outside, it's what inside that truly matters. Looks don't last forever - personality, and how we treat others does. I think she gets it. I hope she gets it. Then I ask myself if I am a complete study in contradiction for entering her into something where she says not a word but dresses up, stands on stage, and is encouraged to smile and blow kisses to three people she has never met before, clearly being "judged" only by how she looks??? Hmmm....


She wanted to do it - to the point that she actually took time (all of about five minutes most days, but at her age, five minutes is a LIFETIME) to practice walking all alone, pretending to be on-stage. She told me she wanted to be a princess (not to be confused with those days she wants to be a superhero, or a rock star, or a doctor...) and win a crown and a trophy. Okee dokee - seals it for me. She doesn't need to know that EVERYONE who enters wins a crown, right?


She loved her pageant experience. Me? Well, the judge and jury are still out? I love dressing her up and having Mommy/daughter time with her, and Nana and Papa came out and showed their support (with Nana encouraging her from the crowd by cheering and blowing kisses at her, and Papa acting as chief photographer of the big event), and I have to say that watching her step onstage and have fun with it, instead of being scared or timid was great. She's NOT shy, which is something I have struggled with my entire life, and she loved being the center of attention in the big crowd, although I don't think the judges were as impressed with her onstage spins as Mommy was!


There were two parts I did not enjoy. First off, the fact that I found myself sizing up the "competition" (there was ONE other little girl in RP's age division. One. I didn't even see her until we had to line up to go onstage, so my "sizing up" was of the wrong little girls in the first place!) and even being somewhat catty about what some of these kids were wearing (FYI - in my defense, I found it wrong and Saturday, and still find it wrong today that a mother put her five-year old in light make-up, a short dress, and 3-inch zip-up gold lame' heels - and no, I'm not even exaggerating here!). Being catty about kids just felt wrong, and made for an "icky" feeling before the even even started! Secondly, after the event I found myself mad that RP didn't win the overall queen title for her age division. Now, she won FIVE medals (I can't even tell you what they were for), a trophy for Most Photogenic, and then first-runner up for her age group while the little girl that won only won one other medal, then queen for the division. Let me say for the record that the other little girl and her mother were very sweet, and I was happy to see her so excited to win. I just didn't get how this scoring system worked, and to me it just didn't seem to add up. That being said, perhaps "mad" was the wrong word to use here - I was confused by the whole thing and frustrated that I couldnt' figure it out, but RP didn't know or care about any of this - she got her trophy (and a bonus one to boot!) AND she got her princess crown that she had been talking about all week, which made it all worthwhile. If that weren't enough, RP, who normally goes by her initials and not her full name, insisted the entire day that she be referred to by her full name only, as it was a princess name and she was a princess for the day.


Will we do it again? Honestly - dunno. I have asked RP a few times since yesterday if she wants to do it again and sometimes the answer is "yes," and sometimes it's "no." What I do know is that if she wants to do it again we will, but in the same type of event - low key, no make-up, no tanning, no fake hair, etc. etc. etc. I'm fine with big poufy dresses and curly-que hair, but that's where we draw the line. As long as she is happy with it, wants to do it, and has fun with it, we can try just about anything. They always say that you never know about something until you've tried it, and this is something that we can say we tried... and the smile on her face at the end of it was worth it all!

Updates - finally!!!

Yes, I know - my last two posts have been about being a slacker at keeping this blog updated, so I won't say it, even though that is what has happened. I can't believe we are already into November - a mere three weeks from Thanksgiving and SEVEN weeks from Christmas! Where has the year gone? They say time gets away from you the older you get, and "they" (whoever "they" are anyway!) weren't lying!

Where to start? RP is doing fantastic, despite a few rough patches over these last several weeks. She has completed her second session of gymnastics and already started her third, and still loves the rough-and-tumble time it allows her, although she now runs and jumps through the house repeatedly, which is fine for now but keeps me up at night thinking about when she actually learns how to do flips and watching her do them through the house - ugh. I will be an utter basketcase! She also has started ballet class, and absolutely loves it! It's just through the park district, but it's a perfect intro for her and she has a friend in the class as the daughter of one of my high school classmates is in her class, so she loves playing with Sami after class every week. She has a couple of weeks off between sessions, but will be in her first dance recital in January and I already can't wait - although, I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was disappointed to find out that the kids don't get actual costumes for the recital but rather wear their normal class attire. Good thing we purchased the "Ballerina in a Box" costume set from Danskin - she is set with her own tutu already! RP has also expressed an interest in taking figure skating classes, but that is going to have to wait a bit - she is already at pre-school two days a week, ballet one day a week, and gymnastics one day a week. Maybe it's me, but that seems like plenty for a three-year old!

As if our schedule wasn't packed enough, RP is going to compete in her first pageant on Saturday. It isn't a "Toddlers and Tiaras" pageant, which is the only reason I'm letting her do it, but she gets to wear a pretty dress and all the kids get crowns at the end. My little competative soul, however, has already told me that she is "going to winnit Mama," while "de other girls are gonna lose..." I swear I didn't teach her this, but her competative spirit fits right in with the family - we've all always been competative! I'm excited for her and think she'll do great, but I'm afraid I'm going to get more stressed out than she is, and it will be a nightmare. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Work is going well. Being a remote employee definitely has its ups and downs, and the commute for the most part just sucks. I figured out that I put over 100 miles a day on my vehicle, and when you drive a mini-van that gets 19 mpg because your previous job had you driving less than 30 miles per day, it really adds up. I've been looking at getting a new car but just can't find one I like, or that I can truly afford right now that will give me maximum mpg. I used to love car shopping, but my last employer wiped all the fun from that experience so this has just been a chore and a half... and then some. The work is definitely more challenging on many levels than I originally gave it credit for, and mind-numbing in other areas, but it is steady income and I am enjoying it so far.

Finally, this wouldn't be a full and complete update without noting that I am an aunt again - for the FIFTH time! Baby Anna arrived Friday afternoon, four weeks early, and is headed home tonight. I can't wait to see her and hold her, but Mom and baby are doing great and that's great news for right now! She is the youngest of five, and I still can't get over the fact that I now have FIVE nieces and nephews. Five. Wow. I don't know how they do it - RP keeps me hoppin' to the point that I can't fathom taking care of one more, let alone four more of her. Guess that's why THEY have five, and I have RP - God gives us the family we were meant to have!

Whew! This was LONG, and long overdue! Hopefully it won't be as long for my next post, and I'll have exciting news to share, along with some new pictures!

Slacking...

I know... I know... I've been slacking BIG time on updating this blog. It's not for the lack of trying - it's just been insane around here these last few weeks and I've had a hard time finding time to sit at the computer and just type!

RP is doing well, although she has decided that her new bed time is whenever she gets around to falling asleep, and these last several weeks that often means that she isn't falling asleep until around 9-9:30 p.m., even though she is actually going to bed at 7:30 p.m. I do have to say, however, that potty training is going swimmingly and for the most part she is dry 24/7. Once we run out of the current stash of nighttime pull-ups I am done with them, and I can't wait (one less expense... one less mess!). She is back in school full-time two days a week and I am amazed at all the things she is learning! Counting, letters, and basic reading skills are all being tackled at an alarming speed, and her vocabulary is constantly increasing as well. My one concern is that as her vocabulary has increased, she has developed a stammer, which everyone tells me is normal for her age and will go away with time. I hope they're right...

Along with RP's updates, I've been busy as well. September 12 I started my new job, and although it's slow going in terms of actual job training, I have already spent three days in Los Angeles, and am heading to Oklahoma City and Rock Island soon as well. I hate being away from RP, especially since I have been with her pretty much 24/7 for the last eight months, but the company and people are great, and after this whirlwind tour, I won't have to travel again until the beginning of December, and probably only a handful of times next year as well. I love being back in training and am excited to get going and show them what I can do!

The only other update from here is that on Saturday I took RP to her first NASCAR race. She begged and begged and BEGGED to go in July when Papa and I went to the first round of races here, so I actually got her a ticket for the Nationwide race this past Saturday. I expected her to behave and have fun, and I was not let down. She was a trooper doing all the walking to the track and the climbing of the stairs to get to our seats, and she was grinning from ear to ear when the cars came out and started to race. In fact, she was SO excited by the whole process that she fell asleep sitting up next to me, and didn't flutter an eyelash when I laid her down on the bench and covered her up with our sweatshirts. Poor thing passed out around lap 35 and I woke her up with 50 laps to go. She loved the experience and is already asking to go NEXT year, but she has expressed dissatisfaction with the fact that she can't actually be the one racing!!!

A LOT of new updates!

I have been woefully remiss in updating my blog lately, and I really have no excuse. This summer has flown by, and I'm happy to report that of mid-September I will be gainfully employed again. Okay, so I somewhat lie about being "happy" to report that. I am THRILLED that I will be going back to work, and in a role I am truly passionate about. That being said, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I have enjoyed spending inordinate amounts of time with RP over these past nine months, and I am going to miss those moments as we settle back into a routine of daycare drop-offs, late night dinners and baths, and making the most of our 48-hour weekends. She has blossomed so much over these last several months, and while it hasn't been easy to juggle finances while being unemployed, I am grateful for the time I was able to spend with her and am looking forward to launching head-first into my new career with a renewed passion and energy. Let's just hope I feel that way come the first day of work when I'm blearily trying to get myself and RP out of bed and into the car as the sun is rising!

August has been a very busy month for RP and I. She finished up her first session of gymnastics and is already heading into week two of her second session. We went on an overnight trip to Key Lime Cove (an indoor water park/hotel outside of Chicago) with Nana and Papa and had a BLAST! We've had play dates with old and new friends alike, played at the park, and make friends with Nana's new baby kitten "Mick." While the weather didn't always cooperate, we had a fantastic summer, and one I won't soon forget.

RP has now officially been home for over 18 months. Other than a slight cold, and what appears to be a minor allergy to strawberries, she is completely healthy and over-the-top giddy/silly/happy. Her laugh fills the room, and her smile is infectious. When she gets mad, she gets REALLY mad, as was evidenced by a recent trip to Target which ended in her screaming bloody murder all through the store because she didn't end up getting a toy that she wanted (apparently one that she REALLY REALLY wanted). She is everything I could have dreamed in a daughter... and more.

I'm sure I missed a bunch of stuff, and I KNOW there were a lot of funny stories that I meant to write, but never got around to. I'll try to go back and fill those in over the next week or so, and promise to work on keeping this more up-to-date moving forward!

Almost 18 months home!

Today was Open House at RP's pre-school, which brought me back to LAST year's Open House, which happened to fall on the 6-month anniversary of our arrival home. It's hard to believe that it has only been 18 months, and I was thrilled with the report of RP's pre-school teacher that she is doing very well in school, and even ahead of some of the other kids in her class in some areas.

I haven't posted pictures in a while, so I thought this would be a great time to do so (and yes, it's another one of those "then and now" moments - please bear with me here!).

This was taken on August 27, 2010 - RP had been home exactly six months and while we had found a comfortable routine, in hindsight I can say that we were still in a transitional state. RP was still getting comfortable, developing language skills, and learning to trust and love. You can see in the picture how serious she still looks, how apprehensive she still is. After 22 months in an orphanage she learned to be guarded and expect that the people around you wouldn't stick around forever, and I'm sure she expected nothing less here. The last 18 months certainly haven't been easy, but they have been worth every sacrifice, tear, and frustration, and I can say with absolute honesty that the joys have definitely outweighed any rough patches we hit.

This picture is from earlier today when we were getting ready to head to RP's Open House. It was hard to get her to stand still and STOP being silly for a few seconds so I could snap some pictures (okay, like 30 of them!). I am completely and totally biased, but when I look at the picture from today I see a child who is relaxed and confident not only in herself, but also in the fact that she is loved. It may sound cliche' that love can cure all, but I truly believe that it can work miracles. Today my daughter is almost a complete polar opposite of the child she was a year and a half ago. Would I love her any less if she wasn't? No. I loved her the minute I laid eyes on her, and I love her for who she is, whatever that may be. Today that happens to be a silly, energetic, inquisitive three-year old. What tomorrow holds is anyone's guess, but I'm looking forward to finding out!!!

So much for sympathy!

Today I took RP with me when I ran to the doctor's office to get some blood drawn. Before we left I explained to her that Mommy had to go to the doctor and get a shot, and she would have to be patient in the room with me while it was happening. She was fine with this, and when we got to the doctor's office she was more than curious about everything going on in there - so much so that the phlebotomist was practically a pretzel moving around her! After three sticks - one in the hand and two in the arm, they were finally able to get the blood they needed, and RP was fascinated with the blood going in the tube, and the fact that Mommy had a "boo-boo" that was bleeding and required a non-Mickey Mouse band-aid.

When we got outside, I asked RP why Mommy didn't get a sucker after getting her shot. I was kidding of course, but RP looked at me very seriously and replied, "Because you weren't a good girl Mommy." I laughed out loud and asked WHY I wasn't a good girl in there, to which she replied, "You need to use your listening ears Mommy. Lissss-tennnn..."

While at least I now know that she HEARS everything I say to her, it would be nice if she would implement some of her own "advice" every once in a while! That being said, I'm off to find a little Dum-Dum sucker downstairs - I think I've earned it today!!!

RP-ism's (Part 2)

Of course after I write the RP-ism's post she has a few more doozies to add last night:

• I put RP to bed at her normal time last night, and not an hour later I head upstairs to discover that she had a "messy" diaper (and let me tell you, "messy" is an understatement here!). While I was changing her I remarked that she had quite a stinky diaper, to which RP responded, "Mommy, it okay to say diaper 'tinky, but we don't say people are 'tinky. It will hurt their feelings. It will (dramatic pause here...)... hurt their heart." Guess I'm doing something right!


• To follow up on what we do and don't say, RP reminded me once again, "... AND we don't say f***." Sigh - yeah, I've still got some work to do!