I'm not sure why it hit me today, but I couldn't help looking at RP and thinking of how much older she seemed, how much taller she had grown, and how the baby features with which she came home had transformed, while I wasn't looking, into toddler features. While I am excited that she is doing so well, it saddens me that she is growing up so quickly. As of yesterday we have been home for 11 months and I honestly cannot remember life before her. Yes, there are times when the terrible twos have me wanting to tear my hair out. Yes, there are times I lose my patience - especially when I hear the word "no" come out of that cute little mouth for the umpteenth time. Yes, there are moments I long to be able to sleep in without hearing a very cute little voice calling "Mommy" down the hall at a time earlier than I would like to get up and start my day. No, I wouldn't give up any of it for anything in the world.
I know I have made some bad choices in my life. I have procrastinated and let some things slip away, or been lazy about some things, whether personal or professional. I have failed - sometimes miserably so - but have always been able to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going - hopefully smarter and savvier for it. That being said, my biggest anxiety these days is failing my daughter. I don't want to make the wrong choices for her. I don't want to procrastinate and let things slip away, as I have realized that time is as precious as family and friends and once you let it slip away you will never get it back again. I don't want to fail RP, let her down, or set a bad example.
Yes, this unemployment thing is getting to me. Three weeks in and I'm no closer to figuring out what I want to do moving forward, or how to get there. This weekend will be spent redoing my resume for the umpteenth time in hopes of getting more of a "bite" on job opportunities. While I REALLY don't want to go back and do what I had been doing (did I stress "really" in that sentence...) I am finding myself unsure and uncertain of how to successfully make the career transition that I am dying to make. My fear is that I will be sucked back in to a job that pays well, but that I will continue to be unhappy in, therefore not always willing and able to put my best foot forward. As such, what sort of message am I sending my daughter, and what type of role model will I be.
I'm pretty sure all of these thoughts, fears, and anxieties are what caused me to spend some time today just watching RP as she played and went about her day, and why I noticed how much older she seems. In a few short weeks we'll be celebrating our one year "Gotcha Day" and she has flourished during this time. As she continues to grow up I want to be able to encourage her to follow her passions and her beliefs, wherever they may lead her, and as such I need to be able to find the courage, conviction, and ability to do so myself.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again - sometimes being a grown-up sucks...
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