Random ramblings (and observations too)

I'm not sure why it hit me today, but I couldn't help looking at RP and thinking of how much older she seemed, how much taller she had grown, and how the baby features with which she came home had transformed, while I wasn't looking, into toddler features. While I am excited that she is doing so well, it saddens me that she is growing up so quickly. As of yesterday we have been home for 11 months and I honestly cannot remember life before her. Yes, there are times when the terrible twos have me wanting to tear my hair out. Yes, there are times I lose my patience - especially when I hear the word "no" come out of that cute little mouth for the umpteenth time. Yes, there are moments I long to be able to sleep in without hearing a very cute little voice calling "Mommy" down the hall at a time earlier than I would like to get up and start my day. No, I wouldn't give up any of it for anything in the world.

I know I have made some bad choices in my life. I have procrastinated and let some things slip away, or been lazy about some things, whether personal or professional. I have failed - sometimes miserably so - but have always been able to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going - hopefully smarter and savvier for it. That being said, my biggest anxiety these days is failing my daughter. I don't want to make the wrong choices for her. I don't want to procrastinate and let things slip away, as I have realized that time is as precious as family and friends and once you let it slip away you will never get it back again. I don't want to fail RP, let her down, or set a bad example.

Yes, this unemployment thing is getting to me. Three weeks in and I'm no closer to figuring out what I want to do moving forward, or how to get there. This weekend will be spent redoing my resume for the umpteenth time in hopes of getting more of a "bite" on job opportunities. While I REALLY don't want to go back and do what I had been doing (did I stress "really" in that sentence...) I am finding myself unsure and uncertain of how to successfully make the career transition that I am dying to make. My fear is that I will be sucked back in to a job that pays well, but that I will continue to be unhappy in, therefore not always willing and able to put my best foot forward. As such, what sort of message am I sending my daughter, and what type of role model will I be.

I'm pretty sure all of these thoughts, fears, and anxieties are what caused me to spend some time today just watching RP as she played and went about her day, and why I noticed how much older she seems. In a few short weeks we'll be celebrating our one year "Gotcha Day" and she has flourished during this time. As she continues to grow up I want to be able to encourage her to follow her passions and her beliefs, wherever they may lead her, and as such I need to be able to find the courage, conviction, and ability to do so myself.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - sometimes being a grown-up sucks...

**Shudder**

I just finished watching the news report on TV about the suicide bomber in Moscow today and I have to say that I STILL have the chills. The suicide bombing took place at the airport we flew into from St. Petersburg, and flew out of to Zurich. It was just 11 months ago that we flew in and out of that airport and it just makes me sick that someone could do that - kill and wound hundreds of innocent people - and you can't help but think about the fact that on any given day it could have been YOU. Last year we flew into St. Petersburg the week after a terrorist attack took place on the train that ran from St. Petersburg to Moscow (which, I won't lie, is one of MANY reasons that I wanted to fly and not take the train between the two cities), and now this. My agency posted that all EAC families were safe and accounted for, which is comforting to say the least, and for the millionth time I am thankful that my little RP is snuggled up in the next room and that our journey to finding one another is complete. I would be a complete basket case if I had to travel (or was in the process of traveling) during this chaos...

Quite the weekend...

I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I'm really not sure how I managed to balance being a single mom AND working a full-time job before now - these past few weeks have been ridiculously busy, even with being unemployed!

This weekend FLEW by and I can hardly believe it's Sunday evening again. Then again, I'm having somewhat of a hard time keeping the days straight now that I don't count the hours until 4:15 p.m. on Friday, then dread the ticking of the clock on Sunday night, knowing what is coming at 5:15 a.m. on Monday. Yesterday my best friend (and RP's godmother) came into town for a brief visit which was AWESOME! Visits and catching up are always too short, but it's so nice to be able to visit face to face and do some catching up, and RP and I are going to do an official visit with her godparents in February, which gives us something to look forward to! Then yesterday afternoon we headed off to a birthday party for a good friend's two-year old. This was RP's first time meeting Miss M and with a room full of little kids running around and playing she was at first extremely shy and clingy to Mommy, but it didn't take long before she was diving in playing with everyone and making friends. SOOO cute to see, and we left promising to set up a play date for RP and Miss M sometime soon! :)

This morning RP was a little bit out of sorts, but nothing unusual for her, although I was a tad concerned when she kept complaining that she had a "big owie tummy" this morning... followed by 30 seconds of weird noises that sounded like the cat trying to cough up a hairball and a bit of puking (of course no where NEAR the bathroom... sigh). She seemed fine after that - no fever, ate a little bit, and ran around playing, singing, and dancing after we took showers - so I didn't think anything more about it. When I stopped to use the restroom and grab a quick bite to eat on the way to my brother's house today I noticed that RP was burning up in the backseat - face flushed, hot to the touch, and glassy-eyed - but when I asked her about it she told me it was too hot in the car for her and that she didn't have an owie on her tummy anymore. That being said, I got her some juice, turned the heat in the car WAY down (I'll admit I had it cranked in the back for her to make sure she stayed warm since I didn't have her coat on her for a two-hour car ride - thank god, or the kid would have spontaneously combust back there!), and by the time we got to our destination she had cooled off and seemed to be doing better. She played, ate dinner and a bit of birthday cake (in honor of her cousins' fourth birthdays!), and we were on our merry way home. Arriving at home I noticed she again was burning up (temp of 100.9) so I gave her some Pedialyte, Children's Advil, and put her in bed after reading a story and some serious snuggling. I'm hoping it's just a bug working itself out of her system and she'll be back to her normal self tomorrow, and with that I settled myself in to watch a bit of mindless TV before going to bed.

What I failed to notice is that a wad of gum I had wrapped in a wrapped and set on the table to be thrown away had fallen on the floor and was scooped up by Savannah. Tired as I was, I thought she was working on chewing through her new chew bone... until I saw the shredded wrapper and took a close look at her face and paws. Yep - pink bubble gum everywhere. Yes, I do mean everywhere. The good thing - you can Google "removing gum from a dog's fur" and get THOUSANDS of links/answers. The bad thing - the dog doesn't want to cooperate with the "pour vegetable oil on the gum, work through the fur, then rinse in the bathtub (or in my case, the kitchen sink)" solution which was GUARANTEED to work. It didn't - and now I have a wet, oily, bubblegummed dog who is trying to pull the gum out of her paws AND her older fur-brother who wants a piece of the gum action for himself. I know what I'll be doing first thing in the morning (well, providing I don't have a puking child to contend with)...

I may be unemployed, but I really still need that vacation...

New Year, new look...

For the blog, not for me that is (well, at least for right now!)

I've been trying for a while now to update the look of the blog and finally took the time tonight to do it. This was my "reward" to myself for getting RP to bed at a decent hour AND spending two hours job hunting (ugh - at this point I'm ready to take just about anything... and it's only been two weeks!). I'm not real happy with how the new header turned out as I think it looks grainy and fuzzy, but since I've been at it for over an hour I'm throwing in the towel and saying it will have to do for now (although any comments/suggestions are always welcome!)!

Now on to that pesky New Year's resolution to finally lose my "baby weight" and get that new look for myself! 65 days until we go to Disney... so I'd better get on it, and FAST!

Full time work!

No, unfortunately I haven't found a full-time job yet, but I sent off the first round of resumes last evening, with the help of little RP who decided that she needed to "help" Mommy in her job search by not listening and going to bed when she was supposed to. In order to get anything done, I let her get up and sit at the table and draw with colored pencils while I job searched and posted my resume. Hopefully I hear something soon!

This "stay-at-home Mom" gig is a full-time job for sure! I think I am busier now than when I was working full-time, probably because there is so much I wanted/needed to do with RP and around the house that I am now finally starting to tackle! I'm not complaining about any of this, mind you; in fact, I really am enjoying it. I wasn't sure what to expect after being off last year to bring RP home, and this is truly different. She can communicate thoughts and feelings now (along with "wants!") whereas last year we were just trying to get settled and into a routine, and I'm enjoying spending every moment I can with her. Too bad there isn't a way to get PAID to do this regularly, but I'm enjoying it while I can, as hopefully I'll be back to work soon and wishing for this time together.

Off to shower while RP naps - then it's off to grocery shopping, making dinner, and then a little play time before bedtime!

New Year, new opportunities?

After a crazy hectic holiday season I was kind of looking forward to mellowing out in the new year, enjoying RP, and starting to look for a new job, closer to home and without the crazy commute (let alone the crazy politics at the office). However, when I started to formulate those thoughts in my head, I had no idea that some of that was already in the works, and that 2011 would literally start off with a "BANG" for me... and not in a good way.

I was off for the holidays until January 3, which happened to be one day after my 4-year anniversary with my employer. While things at work had gone from ridiculous to worse, I was doing my best to toe the company line, play the "game" (so to speak), and keep my head above water until I could find something else. In the last 12 months my employer required me to "check-in" during FMLA (aka - work, which equated to 10-20 hours per week while I was off... and unpaid), change my work hours and make me feel horribly guilty if I couldn't attend some after work party with sales (I was read the riot act for not attending a Dave and Buster's event which happened to be the same night as RP's Christmas program - my boss actually had the audacity to point out to me that HE left for his son's program, then went back downtown for the party. Let me point out that his son is about 10-12 years old and he lives about 30 minutes closer to the city than I do... OH, and has a wife AND an ex-wife to help care for his kids), AND tell me that effective January 1 I would be taking a 15% pay cut on my annual salary, and a 5% decrease on my bonus potential. I was pissed to say the least, and several times broke down in the office and/or on the train crying, and I'm pretty sure none of this helped the panic attacks I was starting to have that I told almost no one about, my stomach issues which had flared up once again in the last 3 months, or the sleep apnea which I was recently diagnosed with, but wasn't able to take the time off to see the doctor to actually GET the CPAP machine I am supposed to have.

Sorry, that was long. Clearly I am still pissed. Considering the fact that on January 4th I was "relieved" of my current position, I think I have every right to be. Yep, that's right - on January 4 around 2:30 in the afternoon I was called into a meeting with my boss, only to find that the meeting was actually with HR and I was told that although they have no real reason as to why, I was being laid off. The experience was both maddening and humiliating, especially since there was no reason behind it - just, "thanks but no thanks" and that was it. In hindsight, the signs were all there and I chose to believe that if I played the game along with everyone else I could salvage what was left of my career there until I could find something else.

That being said, while I am still having panic attacks about how I'm going to pay for things, and what I'm going to do for a job, there is a sense of relief in no longer having to deal with the games and *bs* that had become my life over the last year. Do I think they discriminated against me because I took FMLA, not once but twice in 2.5 years? Yes. Do I think they discriminated against me because I was a single mom who lived in the 'burbs and wouldn't/couldn't devote 12-15 hours a day to massaging the ego of the VP? Absolutely. Do I think I'll be happier in the long run, and stronger for having gone through this? Indeed.

I have been through so much over the last few years and I've said time and time again that I can't believe how truly fantastic my support system is in my family and friends, and this time was no exception. I have been talking for a LONG time about wanted to teach/train again, but didn't realize exactly HOW much I talked about it until I started receiving all the e-mails and phone calls of support from everyone, and almost every single one said something along the lines of "maybe now you can go back and get that teaching degree you always talked about." So, while I'm actively looking for a job (hopefully back in the training profession!) I've also renewed my substitute teaching certificate and am gathering all my transcripts so I can talk to a few colleges about what it would take to get my teaching degree.

I don't know what the rest of 2011 is going to hold, but it certainly is starting off on an interesting note. Thanks (for the umpteenth time!) to my family and friends, who truly are the most loving, supportive, and amazing people in the world - RP and I don't know what we'd do, or where we'd be, without you!